Fighting The Pull Of Darkness

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I’m pulled down. I’m not okay. I’m venting. I’m hiding and trying to keep it together. Deeper inside I’m just floundering. I don’t sleep. I have no sense of security. I doubt myself. I doubt what I know.

Deeper, I’m pulled under the surface. I start to shrivel back the parts of me I shared back, back into the corner, the dark, the lonely. I’m back in a place of fear and negativity and I’m scared to let my guard down, so I isolate myself. If I don’t trust, if I don’t lean in, if I don’t show who I am I won’t get hurt.

I’m scared. I know I don’t want to live this life in fear. All the while I don’t want to mess up the only decent thing in my life right now, you. I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to question what’s going on, I fear I know the answer, and it hurts, again.

But then my mind hurls forward. Wait isn’t this just another negative assumption? This old twisted way we know buried us in shame. I lift my head and seek the shore. My soul wants to trust, to be real, authentic, true to my heart. So I can be honest, open. Right?

And yet, I falter. The turmoil and angst swirl, the questions, the second guessing, the trying. and reaching for the light, swaying back and forth, being pulled, consumed, lost in my own indecision.

Falling deeper away from understanding, from rationality and into despair. I’m fighting against the current. I feel my strength from within, a soothing calm, “you can sort this out, you can find a way to honour yourself.”

I remember, swim along the shore until it’s safe. I rest in my contemplation; the growth I have to believe I’ve made.

So, how do I shift this mindset, this cascade into darkness?

How do I overcome my fear of rejection?

My fear of being me, of being enough?

Will I be accepted as I am, darkness and all?

Can I trust?

Do I have a reason not to?

I succumb to the peace I want to feel, the warm shore of sand providing me safety to feel what I know is true.

I have to trust myself, my intuition, my needs. I have to break to let the light in. I can no longer survive in these depleted grounds. I have to surrender these thoughts to grow, to find footing that is steadfast, to root down in this new place I’ve found. I have to trust that the right people will be there to nourish me, build me up, to admire and cherish the beauty that only comes from perseverance and authenticity.

I will swim parallel to this shore, I will find this place to holdfast from the rip currents I face.

For here, I am enough, I am not alone, I am loved.

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