For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a deep rooted fear of vomiting. I remember as a kid I thought it was the worst thing that can possibly happen to someone. Over the years I’ll have these little thoughts that creep in and tell me “what if” scenarios related to me getting sick. I usually could handle these.
For the last 6 months, I’ve been dominated by this fear. So much so, that I’ve had to take a leave of absence and leaving my house is a challenge. I never thought I’d be in a situation where I’m taking an antidepressant to try and curb invasive thoughts about me getting sick. But I guess this is my fault for not really recognizing how bad this phobia is and how bad my anxiety towards it is. I’ve had blood tests, ultra sounds, and endoscopies to make sure that this is all in my head. And you know what? It is. I’ve been fighting this fear for the majority of my life and it happened to get the best of me for half a year.
I’m doing my best to accept this fear and let it in. The more and more you push away the thing you fear the worst, the bigger it gets. Gas on a fire. I know I can get myself out of this fear cycle. It’s just a lot of mental gymnastics. If there’s anyone out there suffering from emetophobia, just know you aren’t alone. This thing can be brutal, but there’s more to life than just fear and this “episode” that I’m in is only temporary. There’s no realistic way that these feelings and thoughts can be permanent. That’s just not how the brain works.
I will get through this and you will too. Keep pushing forward and ride the wave. That’s all we can do.