I can’t lie. It makes me uncomfortable. In situations where I have felt I had to, I was riddled with regrettable guilt and dread in the days that followed. Sometimes, I feel like withholding every single detail is lying. I can’t do it, and I think it’s why I need to be alone during periods of depression.
I can’t live with having to hide parts of my being. If I am sad, miserable, nervous for my future, unsure of who I am or what I want or why I want it, and I don’t tell the people I am with, I feel like I am being inauthentic. I can’t put on a fake smile and my best outfit and act like everything is okay when I truly feel like it isn’t. And even if I try to lie, I’m not very good at it — you can see it on my face. To my detriment, I can become consumed with emotion. In these times, I find solace in being alone – where I can just be free to feel what I need, when I need it, and how I need it.
It’s not always healthy, isolating in dark times. It comes at the cost of losing those around you who may take your silence personally. It can feel like a self-induced loneliness that feeds off itself. I don’t want to be alone but I feel like I have to be in order to be true to myself because I can’t lie about how I feel and not everybody needs to know I am struggling. Not everybody wants to know I am struggling.
I think I am learning that it is okay to be alone to feel things out. I am trying to find the positive in being a girl who takes time to process her emotions. I just don’t always want to feel like somebody consumed by them.
If you are like me and feel like you can’t lie – don’t. It’s okay to be someone who feels deeply. It is okay to take time to recharge and reconnect with yourself. I feel grateful for the people in my life who understand that when I take time to myself it doesn’t mean I love them less, it just means that I need to love myself more. I appreciate the people in my life who make me feel like I can express myself no matter what state of being I’m in. Remember to extend the same understanding to those around you. Some people prefer to process in silence.
