I no longer look back into my past, and say “I don’t understand why that experience happened to me,” because what I’m learning is that, as uncomfortable or painful certain past experiences were, they taught me about myself, they helped me heal, and they allowed me to recognize what I still needed to work on.
But let’s be real.
Transformations aren’t as beautiful as people romanticize them to be.
Transformations cut deep, they are painful, and they are lonely at times. Transformations push you outside of your comfort zone, even if you’re not ready; but they also help you recognize, that you’ll never truly be ready. And you’ll never be ready for your transformation because you can’t predict the future, so sitting around trying to prepare or control the approach to your transformation is inevitable.
Transformation also take courage and vulnerability, and that itself can be difficult.
Transforming also means confronting yourself, and sometimes, if you’re an avoidant person like myself, the process of facing yourself, your emotions, and your struggles can almost be frightening. I wasn’t always an avoidant person, but over the years, I have learned when to feel, and when to detach. And this isn’t healthy, I acknowledge that, but it’s a form of protection. I’m not cold, I actually have a lot of love to give, but I’ve become avoidant and detached with my emotions, primarily due to past experiences that made me believe that getting close and feeling open, only results to pain. So, I’ve learned to give love, but at a safe-distance; unless, we have been in each others lives for awhile and the loyalty isn’t questioned.
I also recognize this isn’t healthy, but I’ve learned that people with big hearts have to be cautious. Primarily because people who love deeply extend themselves very often, and unfortunately, they can be taken advantage of. So, protection is necessary at times.
Letting this become my reality for so long, I have a difficult time confronting my emotions; due the fact that I’d rather avoid them or feel them for a second, then instantly protect myself again.
What I’m learning is that confronting yourself through a transformation, also involves learning how to process your emotions in a healthy way; and if you’ve been a person who tries to control or avoid when you feel your emotions, this is also difficult during a transitional period of your life.
You can think that you’re in control of your transformation and your emotions as much as you want, but we must be reminded that control is an illusion. To control something means that something exists, and nothing truly exists as I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience in the material world; where all of our perceptions of reality depend on our subjective reality, which then again varies, as we are all different individuals having our own unique experiences.
Overall, I know transformations are for the best in the end, but transforming means that you have to start outgrowing your past-self, people, environments, and cycles that you used to be comfortable in, and that is also challenging.
I think the biggest thing that I’m starting to analyze and ask myself are questions like:
- Why do I feel comfortable in these old patterns? Or, what is my deep routed attachment to them?
- Why can’t I be confident that a new path will be to my benefit? Or, why do I have a hard time trusting that things can actually go well? What experience(s) in my past made me skeptical of trusting?
- Why do I have a hard time ending cycles that I know aren’t good for me? Or, what experiences of feeling abandoned do I need to revisit and heal so I can be okay with letting go? What is my attachment style?
Overall, what I’m learning is that, yes transformations are uncomfortable and painful, but they’re always for your benefit in the end; and that’s what I’m reminding myself each day, regardless of how lonely, painful or uncomfortable it can be.
If anyone else out there is going through a transitional period in their life, stay strong and remember that you are human. Life is all about failing, learning and growing.
Remember, transformations are worth it in the end, even if you struggle to understand that during the chaos and the uncertainty it brings to the surface.
Be kinder to yourself, because no one is perfect. We’re all doing the best that we can, and that in itself is enough.
Sending you love and thank you for supporting Damaged in Darkness.