When I was a kid I remember always wanting to be a superhero. I thought Spider-Man was the absolute coolest. And I’m not too ashamed to admit that I probably still do. I mean, what’s not cool about a dude that can do all the things Spider-Man can?
I don’t usually remember dreams, but from time to time I’ve been known to have a superhero dream or two. That, I feel, is pretty standard. But it got me to thinking, I wonder if there is some deep down feelings of not being enough, or good enough? Perhaps it’s the desire to see myself as more? I don’t know.
I do know that it is a tightly wound massive ball of rubber bands that’s waiting to be cut loose to explode all over the place. In this case, my mind is the holding place for the exploding rubber bands. I’ve had those dreams as an adult. Yes, the same ones mentioned previously.
Although, as an adult the dreams have usually ended up with me waking up in a panic because of some system failure. Swinging through the sky and then all of a sudden the web shooters malfunction and I can’t make it to the destination in time to do my superhero thing. Or for some reason or another the super powers completely go away mid-battle leaving me defenceless against fully functioning super powered bad guys.
Maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something. If it is, then it sure has a strange way of conveying the message. Why do I dream of being something that I’m not, nor will ever be? Is it that I feel that inadequate as a father, husband and man that my subconscious gives me what I think I need?
Or is it trying to tell me to stop being dissatisfied with who I am? I mean why else would my super powers stop working or my cool web shooters stop working at the exact moment I needed them the most and could use them to defeat those up-to-no-gooders?
This leads me to the question that I feel like I’ve been asking myself for years and years: I am enough, right?
All by myself, naked with no protection. I’m enough, right? I ask and feelings start to well up inside. Fu*k, it’s not just feelings, I can feel myself having to choke back tears. Why? There’s always, I mean for as long as I can remember, been the self-doubt and fear that lurks in the back of my mind.
Where did this feeling come from and when did it start? More importantly, though, is when did it literally become a part of my being? That’s a good question, I think.
Let me be clear, I have no degrees or certifications. I’m not a doctor of any kind. I think and wonder and theorize, hypothesize and ponder. Then when I can’t keep any more inside I start writing or talking. So, back to the question at hand (insert “perfection is perfected so I’m gonna let ’em understand): When did the constant questioning of if I’m enough or why do I feel less than become a part of my being?
I can’t pinpoint for certain. However, I do know that there are certain points of life when I remember situations or interactions with people who were important to me that I didn’t get what I was looking for or needed. I’m sure you are reading that sentence and maybe saying to yourself one or two things:
1. What the fu*k is he talking about with all this ambiguous verbiage?
2. We have all gotten that, what’s the big deal?
In my formative years all I wanted to do was make people proud and to do the right thing. I wanted to be the performer, people-pleaser, the fixer of problems. When I didn’t get the pat on the head or the “atta boy” or acknowledgement I was seeking, it stung.
It still stings. Now I don’t know if that is nature or nurture, or both. I’m finding out though that I have been this way for a long time and I still react with all of my “defences,” that are ingrained in my for given situations. Anger, sadness, self-loathing, shutting down. I’m very well versed in all of those. I wish that wasn’t the case.
I’m working on changing and working through these things in my life currently.
Will they ever go away or will I just develop a better skill set to know what is happening and be able to navigate the straits and narrows more effectively? Will I keep having superhero dreams? Perhaps.
I can only hope they are for a different reason with a different outcome. That one day I will get to the root of what is inside me and I will know I am enough.