Being young is all about discovering who you are. It’s about learning what your insecurities are and juggling ways in which you try to deal with them.
I may be this young, vibrant, confident female but I am still human with real feelings. Having these qualities does not mean you won’t have your equal share of insecurities or some sort of issue that you are dealing with.
Having issues and talking about them is difficult. I have been one to compartmentalize my feelings and instead I put on a brave face to the world, but most of all to the close people in my life.
It all starts at home they always tell us, and I don’t doubt that at all because if you’ve never heard the simple yet heavy words of “I love you” there’s a greater chance you won’t be able to vocalize those words or express your real feelings to people.
I’ve never heard anyone in my family tell each other that they love one another and I’ve only realized that now in my early adult years. Thinking that it would be difficult to express my feelings to a person has never been a thought that has crept into my mind.
As a young girl, I was the forever happy child, ever so bubbly, but no one knew that I was bottling up some of my feelings because I learned the scary skill of putting on a brave face for people to see, instead of seeing my hurt I barred for them to see.
A blank page is what I became when I was going through this spiral of hiding my feelings. When you lock your feelings, you become this empty person where it’s even hard to accept someone else’s love without questioning it.
I have never felt like I was spreading myself thin, although I was acquainted with a lot of people. The reason I never felt that way was because I never became vulnerable with people that crossed paths with me.
Seeing that when I lost some friends that I was never deeply hurt made me careless, and this made me realize that I should start treasuring my relationships more with people.
A fear of mine was and still is being vulnerable about my feelings with someone. I saw it like it was only going to hurt me if kept on going through this downhill spiral of closeting my feelings. The questions I asked myself didn’t sit well with me because I saw that if I would continue going down this lane I would end up alone and depressed which is nothing I want in my life now or never.
I started small by sharing bits of myself with some of my friends on social media. Having a fitness community on Instagram was the light I needed to actually start sharing about some of the vulnerable moments.
Trying to act as if everything is okay now and again is a way of survival for most people, but all that I’m saying is that it shouldn’t be how you live your life because trust me, it will eat you alive.
I am one of those people they call “sharists” on my WhatsApp, as I do a lot of sharing because I now find talking as a healing tool for me.
Yes, talking doesn’t necessarily mean I’m completely open about being emotionally expressive, but I am taking one step at a time and it has been a learning process for me.
Expressing your true feelings to someone is still a sore spot, but I can say that I have made some genuine friends that I have welcomed in my safe haven without being afraid that what if it’s not reciprocated.
I am not a box. I am not a closet, so compartmentalizing my feelings because I have never learned how to express your truest feelings is not me.
I am my own person, and I don’t want my fears and insecurities to define me and possibly destroy my chances of getting to know people at a deeper level.
So take that step today. Yes, you!
Start journaling if possible. Write about all of those feeling you seem to have trouble talking about.
Don’t cheat yourself at being happy. Yes, actions speak louder than words but the words someone says to you stick like furniture glue.