Having a mental illness from a child means I know no different than the endless days of nothingness. It can make it very hard to want to/see change yourself.
I didn’t have a bad childhood (not that I can remember any since I seem to have blocked out most of my memories) but I know I wasn’t a ‘normal’ child. I remember always feel like I didn’t belong or like I was unwanted. I know this comes from being adopted.
After spending over 15 years with depression and anxiety, you become comfortable. You know what to expect the next day, the usual get out of bed at 2pm rather than the 7am you said in the morning; sit in bed until about 6pm or until you can gather the strength to get out for some toast; and then back in bed scrolling endlessly on your phone until you finally fall back asleep again. That’s what all the days are like. This is my new normal.
Why would I want to change that? How do I change that? What does change even look like?
Becoming better is so terrifying and some days I feel like I can manage a depression filled life. And others, I just want to be able to tell people I’ve actually done something.